Since the dawn of Hallmark, anniversaries have been marked with importance. None more so than the Wedding anniversary. But, I’m assuming, given the lack of malls in the 18th and 19th centuries many people would give gifts to their spouses on the “landmark” anniversaries, (1st, 25th, 50th, 300th, etc.). But in 1937, the American National Retail Jewelry Association thought it necessary to expand that list of gifts, giving them reason to stay in business. According to buzzle.com, their list included all the anniversaries from the 1st to the 15th, then every 5th year up to the 60th when, they figured the couple would be dead or so tired of each other that they wouldn’t be giving each other gifts anyway.
Now some companies weren’t going to stand for this sort of laziness! They figured you could buy more contemporary gifts for each other, such as clocks, china, appliances, lawnmowers, and the new Angels “Lacy Teddy” a delectable nighttime treat, with crisscross adjustable straps, from Victoria’s
Secret for $39.95.But if you had been married for more than 15 years, which is pretty impressive to begin with, you were out of luck if you wanted to buy a traditional wedding anniversary gift. The crystal that you bought her last year would just have to impress for another 5 years. No more gift suggestions until year 20!
At least, that’s what everyone thought!
Now, archaeologists have uncovered an ancient document revealing “The Lost Anniversary Gifts”. In July of 2008, 115 year old Edith Kelvingrove Renfrewshire Lochhead MacGregor, of Glasgow, Scotland finally became less stubborn, when she realized that she had just died. Uncovered in her cottage just down the lane from St. Mungo’s Cathedral, was an journal dating back to 1882 in which Edith’s family protested in the “Battle of the Braes” and took the book from Queen Victoria. When asked about the journal, Mrs. MacGregor was said to have yelled, “Ah'm pure scunnurt with ye! Ye bampot, am'no gonna tell ye again! Get now or am gon skonn ye in the coupon with me fryin’ pan you tube!”
After several years of this abuse, the researchers popped off to the pub until the old bat croaked.
So now, for the first time, we can reveal to you the traditional wedding gifts as laid out in the ancient text.
The traditional 16th wedding anniversary gift is...
...CORK
Our researchers have not stopped crying.
